Came to Believe

Step Ten

2012-01-22T20:51:00.002-04:00

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

Every day my Higher Power's voice, that still small voice within, leads me in a process of self-reflection and I am stretched to new places, courageous places, honest places and humble places. I am learning how to honor myself and how to honor others. I am establishing boundaries and when something isn't working I am moving that boundary. I am trying new things, exploring different ways of doing things and learning who I really am.

And I am making mistakes, sometimes big mistakes, as I navigate through this new life of mine.

Profound and subtle changes have occured since I started the 12 steps. Some changes are obvious but most are internal and personal. If I am willing to be honest with myself I will see lots of opportunities for continual growth and spiritual development. Sometimes I simply need to recognize a shortcoming and have the willingness to bring it to God, other times I need to make amends to someone I have hurt. I used to think recognizing a shortcoming was enough but I've found great value in humbling myself enough to admit when I was wrong -even if the other person/people involved didn't express any concern or have knowledge of my wrongdoing. For example, one time I lied and said I was late for work because my car wouldn't start when the truth of the matter was that I had overslept. That "Little Voice" encouraged me to admit my wrong and tell the truth on myself -so I did. That act of confession has provided me with a degree of insurance against making the same mistake again. Humbling ourselves enough to admit our wrongs changes us in ways that simply recognizing them never could.

Brutal honesty is not necessary; we can be gentle with ourselves and stay just as honest! And let's not always focus on the negative. What are we doing well? Where are we shining? How much closer are we to being our true, loving selves? Focusing on all our wrongs will never make us right. We need to build ourselves up not pick ourselves apart. We are beautiful, living, works of art in progress.

2011-08-17T11:54:00.000-03:00

You may have noticed I no longer allow comments on individual posts.

At some point this blog became more about me getting feedback and finding a sense of self-worth through comments than the actual recovery process. I wanted to have a popular blog, one with a lot of readers to validate my opinions and feelings. I felt elated when I received an inbox full of comments and deflated when I didn't. So, in an act of haste (which I am prone to) I deleted all comments and disabled the option to comment.

There is a certain amount of freedom in posting a blog entry without waiting for comments, but I also realized something very important: healing takes place in community. Commenting allows people to interact with my story, to share their insight and offer support. We grow better together!

And I want to know about you too. Are you in recovery? Do you write a blog? Can I read it?

So this is my happy medium. I will put a permanent link to this post at the top of my blog and if something I have written inspires you to talk back then you can do so here!

Thanks for being part of my recovery :)

Step Nine

2011-08-16T21:59:00.000-03:00

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

The deep healing and profound freedom that accompanied this step made it one of the most transformative experiences of my life. It was sometimes challenging but never impossible; humbling but never humiliating. I made a few amends that simply required a sincere apology while others needed carefully chosen words shared in a letter or financial restitution.

I had lied, stolen, commited adultery, drove drunk, damaged property and been physically abusive. I cheated on exams, went to work drunk, manipulated, ignored and used people. Basically, I was a train wreck.

I made my easiest amends first which built confidence. Many of my amends were made by email but a few had to be made face-to-face. There were amends I was willing to make which proved to be inappropriate. I was willing, but I was advised that my apology would probably cause more harm than good. We don't have the right to clean up our conscience at anyone else's expense! In these cases I wrote letters that never got mailed. The process of writing out my apology, and praying to God about it, was surprisingly effective in dealing with the shame and strengthening my conviction to never repeat the same mistakes.

When I first leaned about this part of the 12 step process I wondered what kinds of amends people were making. We often hear about the sensational and comical stuff but rarely hear the deeply intimate and shameful actions for which amends are made. Let me share some of my own:

I made anonymous donations to institutions from which I had stolen. My sponsor and I agreed that given my personal situation this (anonymity) was the best approach.
I wrote an email to someone I hadn't spoken to in years explaining that something I had told him was a lie. This was a very big, very harmful lie that would have forever damaged a reputation.
I wrote to a teacher admitting that the award I had won at graduation was earned by cheating.
I made amends to my ex-husband for my part in the breakdown of the marriage and gave him money I felt I owed him.
I appologied to several ex-boyfriends for everything from manipulation to cheating and physical violence.
I wrote, but never mailed, a letter to the woman whose life I forever changed when I chose to pursue her husband which led to the end of their marriage and home together.

Then there was the complicated issue of making amends to my parents. I use the word complicated because most people who did the things I did would have amends to make for their behaviour but I was raised in a dysfunctional, abusive, alcoholic home and my actions/addictions never registered. In fact, if acknowledged at all, they were minimized. Do we owe amends to people who neglected or abused us? I had stolen some small bills, lied, not come home at night, had parties that trashed our home, etc. but nobody seemed to notice. (And that all seemed like small potatoes compared to what was going on between my parents -not to mention their failure to guide and protect me.) Nevertheless I knew I needed to work through the mess for my own benefit, so I started writing.

First, I realized I was still hanging onto a lot of resentment so I wrote two very detailed letters-one for each parent-expressing just how much their actions had affected me. I knew I would never send these letters so I was blunt and painfully honest.
Second, I wrote letters offering forgiveness. I acknowledged their hurt and brokenness-the sad experiences that made them into the addicts and abusers they were-and released them from my anger. I also admitted to the areas in which I was still having difficulty forgiving.
Third, I appologized for my part, however small. I admited my wrongs and said I was sorry.
Finally, I wrote down my commitments to each of them. For example, I promised to be healthy enough to set boundaries and speak the truth lovingly rather than protecting their emotions or enabling their addictions.

None of these letters, not even the letters of apology, were given to my parents. These amends were between me and God. Some may disagree with me, but my sponsor and I agreed that it is usually not necessary to make amends to those who have abused or neglected us. My living amends will be putting the commitments I wrote down into action.

When I first started the process of making my amends I didn't know what sort of reactions to expect from people. In the end, a few people didn't respond at all (they are still refusing to acknowledge my existence), but amazingly not one person reacted angrily. Some people told me that my actions were forgiven long ago while others listened tearfully and reciprocated. I've been on the receiving end of a whole lot of grace and it's been a truly beautiful experience.

The last amends I made were to my husband, my children and myself. I set aside an evening to spend with my husband in which we could talk without distraction and work toward reconciliation.

"We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love. The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it." (The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

My amends to my children, being as young as they are, took the form of a prayer, journaling and an age-appropriate conversation. Saying I'm sorry is important but actually living differently by not making the same mistakes is how I really make my amends.

I also wanted to make amends to myself and to God. I took some time to write and pray and rest. I humbled myself before Him and acknowledge how much harm I had caused myself and others by turning my back on God and living a self-centered life. After all the grace I had received from others I had to ask myself if I was truly willing to forgive myself for these transgressions. Can I accept God's love and forgiveness? Am I willing to surrender my past? The promises on pages 83-84 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous come to mind:

"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend theword serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."

These are the spiritual gifts, the fruits, promised to those who have been "painstaking" about this phase in the recovery process. I can testify firsthand that these promises are manifesting in my life. Take heart; there is hope and miracles abound! The heavy weight of many burdens has been removed and I am no longer a slave to my past. I've learned that both my shame and temptations are lessened when I bring my sins out of their hiding places and expose them to the light. Darkness cannot exist where God's light is shining!

Step Eight

2011-02-23T20:34:00.007-04:00

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all."

I knew the first part of this step would be fairly simple. After all, I had already written down all my resentments and the harm I had caused others when I did my fourth step inventory. However, when listing these people in the context of making amends to them -well, I sort of lost my footing. My initial reactions went something like this: well, he treated me worse than I treated him or that was so long ago I'll just look like a fool for bringing it up; it's all water under the bridge or she never even knew what I did so I never really harmed her. That sort of thing. They were mostly rationalizations of course. I was avoiding the serious work ahead of me. And my procrastination lasted several months. Time passed but I wasn't moving forward spiritually. Eventually I saw through the denial. The truth was simple: I was not yet willing.

How does one become willing? I wanted to be willing but I wasn't. Should I have made the amends anyway? Personally, I think our heart has to be in the right place or the words are empty. To find the willingness I had to overcome my pride, confront some lingering resentments and practice humility. I don't think this is a time to be hasty. There were a few amends I became willing to make that eventually, through prayer and talk with my sponsor, proved to be inappropriate. That was a good lesson for me: just because I am willing to make the amends (and would prefer to do so in hope of receiving some healing and easing my guilt), doesn't mean it is in the receiver's best interest. I like to think that the healing could be a two-way street -that my amends would bring relief to the person I had harmed -but that isn't necessarily true. For my amends to be a true act of reconciliation I must hold the other person's welfare above my own. Perhaps, at this time, the most loving thing I can do is leave that person alone. But my willingness is still to be acknowledged and perhaps in Step Nine I can find another way to offer some restitution for my wrongs.

Rehab, Halfway House, Slippery Place

2010-10-15T16:26:00.002-03:00

The following entries are part of a flashback series I'll be posting occasionally. They formed a blog titled, "A Detox on the Rocks" that I kept from 2005-2007. I have copied the entries and declined editing a single letter. These words teach me more about my addiction now than they ever could at the time.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

i'm in rehab

wow, it's been so long since i've posted. i have been a busy bee. i am in a woman's rehab program. i really didn't want to go, but i didn't have much choice. i have to admit that i am enjoying it for the most part. i am half-way through a four week program. it's pretty emotional and tiring -i live in the centre monday to friday and spend weekends in a half-way house for women. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my bed. i miss my internet access. but it's worth it -as much as i complain, i know that i am in the right place.

posted by Jane at 11:25 AM 7 comments

Sunday, June 12, 2005

the lacey house

so, i'm done of rehab and am in a half-way house for women called the Lacey House... the minimum stay here is 6 weeks, and some residents stay up to a year. it's been a very interesting week getting used to living in a house full of women in early recovery... holy hormones! lol. i don't think i'm alone in saying that a lot of women have problems connecting to other women... i think it has something to do with the fact that society pits women against one another... in my opinion we become jealous easily and are all too quick to use the words "bitch" or "slut". it's disgusting. anyway, i've gotta go. i'll update more sometime soon!

posted by Jane at 8:40 PM 3 comments

Sunday, June 19, 2005

slippery places

so i'm on my first overnite pass from the lacey house. a few "friends" are getting together for drinks before they hit the bars... stupid me, i think that i can pop in and be social. i seriously didn't think it would bother me.

i feel uncomfortable from the moment i walk in the door. i grab a glass of ice water and chat to a few people. the conversation is about a local band, some "awesome" party at so-and-so's place last weekend, narcotics, some chick puking in somebody's car... blah blah blah. god, everthing just seems so shallow. i don't know what to say... do i pretend to care about this bullshit? i don't even know these people.... who the hell are they?.... what the hell am i doing here? i start to feel really uncomfortable. if only i could have a few drinks, i know it would relax me real quick. no. no drinking. damn. after about an hour i tell my boyfriend i want to leave, but he's enjoying himself and wants me to stay. i wait another ten minutes. i am craving pretty bad. fuck it. why don't i just drink? am i just kidding myself with this recovery crap?... i'm 25... i'm supposed to be drunk! no. don't do it. i know i'll only regret it. i have to get out of here NOW. i tell my boyfriend again that i want to leave. i can't seem to admit that i'm craving. i don't want to seem weak, so i just complain about the people.... "i'm really uncomfortable... i don't want to hang out with these people, they're retards" or something like that. i am getting more and more frustrated and cranky by the minute. i need something. a hoot. a drink. a little blue pill. something! my boyfriend isn't willing to leave. he's got a pint into him and wants to keep drinking.... so i left and walked home alone. now i'm here at his place. spending my overnite pass alone. this sucks. i'm pissed off at myself for going down there.... i'm pissed off at him for not leaving with me... i wish he would have respected that i was uncomfortable and left quietly with me. instead i had to make an ass of myself in front of everyone and repeatedly ask him to leave, only to leave alone. this is stupid. why am i even here waiting for him? if i had any sense i'd just grab my stuff and go back to the lacey house.

posted by Jane at 12:10 AM 7 comments

Step Seven

2010-10-12T10:56:00.004-03:00

"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."

A few weeks ago I carved out some time to sit alone in a wooden pew in an empty church and asked God to remove my shortcomings. I didn't feel anything happen. Not a single thing. In fact, I was distracted by my thoughts and didn't sense His presence at all.

Nonetheless, I knew that something very powerful was at work in this step. I couldn't seem to 'get it' and I didn't want to rush the process. So, I just set my step work aside and got on with the business of life, every so often coming back to it and wondering when I would sense it was time to move ahead. Today I can confidently share that I've come to understand this step in a very real, intimate way.

You see, until recently I couldn't really grasp that it is God, not me, who must remove my shortcomings. I felt that I could and should be able to pull myself up by the bootstraps. Deep down, I truly believed that if I tried hard enough I could be perfect. I wasn't entirely conscious of this mistaken belief, but the unrealistic expectations I placed on myself and the abusive inner dialogue I maintained betrayed my true feelings.

Perfectionism and self-sufficiency were lies I wholeheartedly subscribed to. Although I was aware that I had these shortcomings, I hadn't really contemplated the absurdity of the wrong beliefs that created them.

I can do it by myself. I don't need help. This doesn't need to be discussed. I will make myself better. I know everything that I need to do; I just need to do it! Mistakes are unacceptable. I can be and do better. Anything less than perfect is a complete failure.

It took a minor emotional breakdown and a little spiritual counseling to expose the fantasy life I was living. Any time I did, said or thought something that didn't jibe with my fantastic, perfect self had been grounds for guilt, shame and general self-loathing. The process of taking a moral inventory and becoming aware of my character defects left me with an overwhelming sense of disgust and inadequacy. All of my shortcomings were on display right in front of me and I couldn't seem to fix myself. At this point, not so long ago, I felt more spiritually sick and helpless than at any other point in my recovery thus far.

Why can't I get it right? What is wrong with me? Why am I always struggling? Shouldn't I be healthier by now? I'm always screwing up. I'm useless. I'm a fraud. I hate myself. Stupid, mean, ugly, ignorant bitch!

I played tapes like these over and over, making myself sicker and sicker, until I got the nerve to start opening up about it. I didn't know where to start and had no sense of being led by God, but in coming out the other side of this mess I can now see that God was bringing me through Step Seven. My driven, perfectionist ways and frequent disappointments were taking a toll. I had become too tired to bandage my wounds. My brokenness was exposed and I was left feeling vulnerable and damaged beyond repair. I realized that my own best efforts were failing miserably. At this point, I became receptive to teachings and healing. I started to internalize the powerful truth of the matter: I will never fix me.

God will direct us if we are but willing to surrender. My surrender was born of exhaustion not cheerful willingness, but that didn't matter to Him. Over the course of the next few weeks I kept hearing the same messages from different sources. Readings, songs, conversations, dreams and insights gently guided me to a new place. A place in which I not only understood but actually came to believe that I am not perfect and I cannot make myself perfect. That was God doing for me what I could not do for myself. That was Him removing my shortcomings of perfectionism and self-sufficiency.

I had to do the footwork. I had to open up to others about my fears and failures and demonstrate a willingness to be engaged in the process. I had to give God room to work. He gives us the opportunities and we choose whether or not we will receive them.

I'm not saying that these shortcomings are gone for good. I still consider perfectionism and self-sufficiency to be a part of my default settings, but every moment is an opportunity for me to turn these shortcomings over to God's care. I can humbly ask Him to help whenever I become aware of a character defect manifesting in my life. How He answers that prayer will always be a mystery until it happens. Perhaps it will happen quickly, like a flash of insight, or perhaps it will be a series of events that come together over time.

The seventh step must be practiced daily. It is a series of surrenders in which we admit defeat in all our battles and ask God to lead us out of the war we have waged. I still have a firm grasp on several weapons but God is patient with me. And thank goodness for that!

Flashback: Canada Day 2005

2010-09-11T07:15:00.006-03:00

Friday, July 01, 2005

canada day

it's canada day. i sat at the lacy house by myself for the afternoon. everyone else was gone out with their friends and family. i knew all my friends and family would be drinking so i stayed at the house. i could hear the music of the concert at the waterfront and watched people walking by, drunk and happy. i got bored around 3pm and walked up to my apartment (i'm still keeping my place while i am in the half-way house) to clean up my room. after an hour i decided to take a walk down to my boyfriend's place. i promised myself i wouldn't do that because i knew that everyone would be drinking, but i didn't care. i pulled in the drive-way and there were a bunch of people on the patio drinking and BBQ'ing. the music is playing and i am totally screwed up. i know that if i drink i will have discharged myself from the lacey house. i know i should call people... i know i should run like hell and get the fuck out of here. but all i can think of is r-e-l-i-e-f! or shall i say b-e-e-r? i'm sick of fighting. i'm sick of the anxiety. i'm sick of being depressed, and confused, and lonely. i want to drink. i told my boyfriend i want to drink. he said i should write in my blog. he offered to walk me home. i don't want to go. i wrote in my blog. now, i think i'll go drink.

posted by Jane at 6:06 PM 2 comments

I Am My Mother's Daughter

2010-09-07T11:20:00.007-03:00

But I am not my mother.

I often have a hard time conversing with anyone who isn't a close friend. Oh sure, I can be pleasant and make small-talk but when it comes to having meaningful conversations or storytelling I start to clam up. I have to remind myself that I'm allowed to take up a little space in this world and that I am worthy of someones time. I've become aware of the erroneous belief that no one could possibly be interested in what I have to say for more than a minute. I'm usually on the lookout for cues that I'm boring them.

I'm pretty sure I know why I am this way. I blame it on my mother. (And her mother too for that matter.) My mom is a terrible listener. She just doesn't care much about things that don't affect her directly. Oftentimes while I talk she'll mumble "uh huh," half-listening as she busies herself with something. She usually comes across as apathetic, distracted or bored. The only time she seems enthusiastically engaged in a proper discussion is when she's drinking, but then it's usually all about her anyway. She can and does feign interest for acquaintances but she doesn't even pretend to care for those closest to her. Don't get me wrong, she does have her merits, but the art of conversation certainly isn't one of them.

There was a time when I had a lot of bitterness toward my mother for displaying, what I considered to be, a lack of maternal affection. I'm still hurt occasionally, but mostly I'm saddened by her self-imposed isolation. We all know that it is impossible to change what we can't acknowledge so I hold little hope that she will experience healing in this area of her life. I can see now that her distant, disinterested attitude toward me has nothing to do with my value as a person and everything to do with her own intimacy issues.

Nevertheless, that attitude formed within me a very warped perception of my place in this world. It's an attitude that must be challenged on a regular basis. I become uncomfortable when someone shows me guenuine concern and attention -like somehow they missed the memo that I'm not that important. The words "don't be foolish" (i.e. emotional) are imprinted on my soul and I have a hard time expressing tenderness. As a child my tears were shunned so I placed a high value on stoicism very early in life. I liked being the kid who didn't make a scene, who was incredibly brave and could take it on the chin. I didn't tattle when violated and secretly hobbled off with embarrassment if I got hurt. I built impenetrable walls around me. I showed no weakness. I made myself as invincible and invisible as possible.

My mother's disapproval of vulnerability and childlike behaviour were quickly integrated into my own personhood and became self-perpetuating. Unconsciously, she was teaching me how to protect myself from life's disappointments. But I am not a child any longer and I need not project my mother's shortcomings onto the world at large.

There is a woman at our church whose voice cracks with emotion whenever she gets up to pray and share about her experiences. Oh how I envy her. I have a friend who weeps for me when I share my struggles. Oh how I thirst to tap into that well. Every once in a while a gush reaches the surface but I become self-conscious, even while alone, so it quickly recedes.

Awkward as it may be, I am learning to speak my truth, stretch my spirit, give and receive love. I often feel phony, but my desire is genuine. Usually I'll find myself wallowing in shame, embarrassment or guilt after a very normal display of emotion. I must remind myself that it's okay to feel.

Yes Michelle, it's okay to be hurt and it's okay to express joy -you aren't foolish; you're human! Not only that, there are people in this world who actually want to hear your experiences and share in those feelings. People do care.

Thou Shalt Not Exist

2010-09-01T21:07:00.004-03:00

Growing up an only child of two violent alcoholics taught me to be extremely self-sufficient and a wonderful keeper of secrets. I was responsible, serious, hypervigilant and emotionally constipated. I learned how to problem-solve and self-soothe. Even today those personality traits remain my default settings -especially under stress.

Now that I am in the program I am challenging my tendency to isolate from others and "go it alone," but talking about my problems still feels like the ultimate violation of an unspoken code. The little girl inside me is telling me to shut up. It doesn't matter is the silent mantra I've been repeating since childhood. It's not a big deal. (Because if it was a big deal that would mean I'd have to feel something and maybe even do something that would cause discomfort for myself or others.) I'm starting to understand that this intense need to avoid conflict is often a fear-based reaction -not necessarily a mature, peacekeeping skill. I cannot trust my emotional instincts. Only now am I digging deep enough to uncover the lies I was raised to believe and rules I was expected to follow:

Thou shalt not have needs.
Thou shalt not reach out to others.
Thou shalt not express emotions -especially negative ones.
Thou shalt not consider yourself important.
Thou shalt not draw attention to yourself.
Thou shalt not have expectations.
Thou shalt not think for yourself.
Thou shalt not trust.
Thou shalt not speak the truth.
Thou shalt not rock the boat.

Basically, thou shalt not exist. Children of dysfunctional homes know intuitively that their caregivers are incapable of meeting their needs, and as adults they transfer that belief onto most people who comes into their life. I've done some work on codependency in the past to deal with some obvious issues but lately I have been challenging myself to dig deeper. I didn't know just how sick I was until I started to get healthy.

So I have started to open up to a few people in my life. I'm exposing my weaknesses and my broken bits. I am learning to share the messy truth, and I think it's making a difference. Sometimes I share for encouragement or advice, sometimes I do it to repent or to have my feelings validated, and sometimes I just need to vent. I'm learning what it means to be vulnerable and have real, intimate friendships. I'm beginning to express needs, set boundaries and honor my space in this world. I'm starting to feel fully human.

Starting. The shame is still there, creeping around, rearing its ugly head when I am not focusing on the things I need to be focusing on. But I am moving through the fear, through the shame, through the isolation into a richer, fuller, more complicated life. Yes, more complicated. Because in many ways life is simpler when I only have myself to contend with. Relationships complicate things, but the complication is so worth it! In fact, it's everything.

Is There Anybody Out There?

2010-08-27T07:05:00.003-03:00

Every day I wake up and wonder, "Are you there God?" I need to practice believing. I do this by praying when I think nobody is listening, letting go when I'm sure I will just free fall, and doing His will even though I doubt His very existence.

I wonder if maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's in all our heads, like mass hysteria. We make connections that aren't there, see patterns that don't exist and pacify ourselves with the findings. Karl Marx once said that "Religion is the opiate of the people." Maybe he's right; we are all high on God, or the idea of God as it were.

But, inevitably, I come full circle back to belief. I am converted all over again. The ebb and flow of doubt is a constant reminder of my need for an intimate relationship with my Creator. Ironically, my doubt draws me close to Him.

I can see how it would be tempting to make a statement of faith, follow a set of rules, declare myself "saved" and suppress my insecurities. Instead, I wrestle with uncertainty, play with the idea of a Godless existence and work my way through the skepticism instead of ignoring it. I find answers in that fight. I find God.

And then, I start all over again. New questions, new struggles, new answers.

It's a messy kind of faith.

But it works for me.

A Prayer

2010-08-23T11:32:00.024-03:00

Hello sweet and loving God of Light. Please help me remain mindful of Your presence as I share my prayer and throughout my day.

God, when I doubt You are with me, when I doubt Your very existence, please forgive my weakness. Have pity on my lonely soul and heal me of my spiritual afflictions. Please God, shine Your light on the shadows that dwell within me.

If I consider how much You love me, how You love me more than I love my own children, it overwhelms me with emotion. Can I ever love You that much? I want to bust open the gates that guard my heart and reconcile myself to You God. Teach me to love with reckless abandon.

When I feel isolated and alone in the world remind me to reach out to others. I know that it is only through giving that we are able to receive. If I focus on sharing love, instead of receiving love, my cup will always be full.

If I am running on self-will, feeling entitled, seeking recognition or displaying arrogance then come into my consciousness God. When I am taking myself too seriously, feel shy or embarrassed, act self-righteous, critical, demanding or judgemental, then remind me to be little –always.

I know that I often get caught up in my own plans and consider them important tasks. I need to slow down, keep things simple, and remember what is important. Help me to be more flexible and forgiving when things are not happening as I would have liked or people are not doing what I think they should be. Like water washing over stones and branches swaying in the breeze, I too must give way to the elements that surround me. Teach me to have patience and acceptance. Remind me Lord, that peace and serenity are gifts for those who surrender.

Sometimes, fear overwhelms me and prevents me from embracing the goodness of the day. Usually this happens if I am more concerned for my body than my soul; or this world than Your kingdom. I struggle to trust that the universe is unfolding as it should. Please God, when I feel I cannot bear the suffering of this world any longer, fold me in Your arms so I might rest in You.

Open my eyes to the goodness on earth. Remind me that laughter is sweet music. Help me rediscover a childlike spirit so I might experience life as a silly, creative and joy-filled child of God. Keep me playful and free-spirited!

Thank you God.

Amen

Welcome to My Nightmare

2010-08-13T20:18:00.013-03:00

It seems to me that 2010 has been a year of unprecedented catastrophe. I doubt there has been another year in living memory with so many significant events and global disasters.

In January a 7.0 magnitude earthquake in Haiti killed over 230,000 people (just as many as the 2004 tsunami) and left 1 million homeless.

On April 10 a plane crash in Russia wiped out most of Poland's top-level government officials including the president.

On April 20, Deepwater Horizon, an offshore oil rig, exploded killing 11 men and setting off the largest oil spill in history.

Also in April, an Icelandic volcano erupted for the first time since 1823 causing the largest air traffic shut-down since the second world war.

Thousands are dead and missing due to the floods and landslides China has been experiencing since early May. These are the worst floods China has seen in decades. Millions lack clean water and over 12 million people have been evacuated from their homes.

On May 31 a very rare, sudden sinkhole swallowed an entire intersection and several buildings in Guatemala.

Pakistan is currently experiencing floods never before seen in this lifetime leaving an estimated 14 million people (and counting) in need of clean water, food, medical care or shelter.

Scientists are saying there hasn't been a heat wave to match the current one in Russia in over a thousand years. Crops the size of Portugal have been destroyed, wildfires are uncontrollable and the daily death rate has doubled.

Here in Canada we've had significant avalanches, massive flooding, severe thunderstorms, deadly landslides, wildfires, lots of tornadoes and a few earthquakes. It's true that we expect a certain amount of wild weather and natural disaster each year but the intensity is noteworthy. Records are being broken worldwide. In fact, the first six months of 2010 have been the hottest globally on record. Last week in Greenland a chunk of ice, four times the size of Manahattan, broke off a glacier. This is the biggest change to the Arctic landscape in over 50 years. Yes folks, the times are a changing. Scientists didn't predict this degree of change for several more decades.

I've had a fear of extreme weather and natural disasters since childhood. I've suffered recurring nightmares about tornadoes for decades. I know there is nothing I can do to control these things but still I am desperate to find some semblance of safety in my little world. It borders on mental illness. I want to move inland and to higher ground. And I'm not talking about a few miles -more like a thousand miles. I know, crazy eh? My husband thinks so too. But this is a serious issue for me. This is one of those things I really need to turn over to God. God can remove all these defects of character, but I'm too scared to let go. I'm terrified to let my guard down.

To make matters worse I believe in the gift of prophecy and I'm aware of many prophets who point to upcoming cataclysmic events including a pole shift. If you don't think I'm weird enough yet, here's another twist: I feel that I received direction from God to move inland. I don't know, maybe it's just my fear talking. I have a hard time discerning between His voice and mine.

We often hear people say, "I never thought it could happen to me," but I have never suffered from a deluded sense of security. Maybe my "alertness" is courtesy of growing up in a violent home. I don't doubt that is at least part of the issue. But what if I'm genuinely tapping into something here? A few weeks ago I was driving in the car, debating with myself about whether or not I am totally bonkers in regards to this matter, when I turned on the radio and heard a preacher sharing about how everyone thought Noah was crazy but he still followed God's instructions. That got me really worked up.

So now I've told you one of my biggest, most private fears. I wish I could say that I'm sharing this aloud as part of my recovery process but the truth is that this reservation is huge. I'm going to have to pray for more willingness with this one.

Step Six

2010-08-01T08:23:00.008-03:00

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

I love this step. It's the beginning of a process that will transform our very core. However, I have to admit that I initially considered this step to be a quick and easy, check-it-off, kind of thing. I wasn't even sure that it warranted a whole step to itself. Why not combine it with the next step? "Were entirely ready (Step 6) and humbly asked God (Step 7) to remove all these defects of character (aka shortcomings)." Isn't that much simpler? Well, no. We can't lump these steps together because it detracts from the importance of each one. Step Six is a very powerful experience if we give it the attention it deserves.

First of all the steps are set up to be a weave of preparation followed by action: We come to believe in a Higher Power then we turn over our will; we do a moral inventory then we share it with someone; we become ready to deal with our character defects then we ask for God's guidance; we become willing to make amends then we do it! Before rushing into any action we take the time to prepare ourselves spiritually. We ask ourselves what our motivations are and where we are holding back. We get more honest and more willing. We ask questions, dig deeper and pray. We are thorough because "half-measures avail us nothing."

The first five steps provide the necessary foundation for recovery. By the time we arrive at Step Six we have entered into a relationship with our Higher Power and acknowledged the mess. Now the cleaning up process begins. It has been said that the sixth step will separate the men from the boys. It is all well and good to do a moral inventory and to make amends but it is our willingness to avoid making the same mistakes, to let go of old ways, to trust God with our brokenness, that demonstrates a real transformation is taking place. I've done wrong (Steps Four and Five) and want to tell you I'm sorry (Steps Eight and Nine) but first I'm going to do some soul searching and look to God for healing so I might not make the same mistakes again (Steps Six and Seven). In Step Six we have a change of heart. We demonstrate our sincere commitment to living differently.

It seems like a no-brainer that everyone would want to have their shortcomings removed but the truth isn't so. Often our defects lead to behaviors that provide an emotional pay-off. Does the workaholic really want to come home earlier or is he more content at the office? Does the newly sober and lonely alcoholic also want to end her relationship with a married man? Are we just paying lip-service to the idea of giving up gossip or spending outside our budget? Do we truly believe that it is possible for God to remove perfectionism, social anxiety or self-esteem issues? Some defects may be so deeply ingrained they feel organic in nature. Perhaps we can't even imagine being free of those issues. Or, maybe we can easily ignore, rationalize and blame others for many of our shortcomings:

"Doesn't being molested give someone the right to be resentful!?"

"I deserve to pamper myself with nice things -it's not like I'm wasting money on drugs and alcohol!"

"My grandma was a worry-wart, my mom was a worry-wart and I'm a worry-wart. It's just a part of who I am. I'll never be happy-go-lucky."

You see how easy it is to "overlook" certain character defects? The readiness required to take the sixth step is a willing attitude. We shouldn't be fooled into thinking that we need to do this step perfectly in order to move on. Remember, this process is about spiritual progress -not perfection. We must do what we can to the best of our abilities at any given time. Every one of us, if honest enough, will discover reservations. We are human after all! But we can't let that stop us from taking this important step. It's like Voltaire once said, "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." That isn't to say we shouldn't strive for perfection; these are ideals worth pursuing. What I am saying is we shouldn't be paralyzed by it! If we feel unwilling or incapable of having certain defects removed we should pray to God for the willingness.

The sixth and seventh steps are pretty big deals as far as recovery goes. We are being prompted to work with God in removing the blocks that prevent us from being healthy, wholesome and fulfilled. Imagine the freedom! The rest of the steps could be described as preparations for, or expressions of, the transformation that occurs in these two steps.

Here's what I did to work this step:

-I reviewed my first five steps to be sure I had done them thoroughly to the best of my ability. I asked myself if there was anything I needed to share regarding my inventory or reservations.

-I read about Step Six in the Big Book, the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, The Little Red Book and Drop the Rock: Removing Character Defects, Steps Six and Seven.

-I asked my sponsor about her experience working the step.

-I read online about other people's experiences.

-I searched for lists of character defects and then I took a good look at my moral inventory to identify the recurring defects (my major malfunctions!) that crippled me emotionally and spiritually. It's easy to focus on specifics (e.g. I lashed out at my husband) but we also need to recognize patterns of behavior (e.g. I often lash out when...).

-I prayed for God to reveal my defects to me, and for more willingness and trust in Him.

Here is a list of some common character defects to get the wheels rolling:

resentment, excessive anger, vengeance, hate
fear, cowardice, worry, anxiety, indecisiveness
self pity, having a victim mentality
feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem
self-hate, shame
dishonesty, evasiveness, lying, making excuses, rationalizations, denial
insincerity, phoniness
being dependent on others to make us feel good about ourselves, sympathy seeking
isolation, being emotionally distant, fearing intimacy
controlling, manipulation, rebellion
lust, promiscuity, sexual deviancy
egotism, pride, arrogance, conceit, vanity, narcissism
envy, jealousy
laziness, inconsistency, complacency, procrastination, apathy
pessimism, negative thinking, frequent complaints
immoral thinking, finding pleasure in sinful thoughts
intolerance, impatience, being demanding, impulsiveness
perfectionism, being judgmental or critical, fault-finding
loose talk, gossip
greed, overindulging, gluttony, heavy spending, materialism
self-seeking, being self-centered, ignoring the needs of others

It can be overwhelming to see how far we fall short of innocence. Let's remember that the sixth step reads, "... to have God remove all these defects of character." Just like Step One we need to admit our powerlessness over our shortcomings and just like Step Three we need to surrender them to our Higher Power (when we reach Step Seven).

"We must learn to take the intellectual knowledge and turn it into emotional and spiritual reality -into living -so we can continue to change and grow and be useful. To become the person we can become we must drop the rock -all the grasping and holding onto old patterns of behaving, thinking and feeling that are harmful to ourselves and to others." (Drop the Rock)

Personally, I am aware of several BIG reservations with my sixth step. I have more than a couple of character defects that I feel are... well, just SO ME. For one thing, I can hardly imagine being me without carrying around the ball and chain of FEAR. As a child of two violent alcoholics I cannot remember life without fear. It simply did not exist, ever, for me. In fact life is almost worse when there is no chaos to focus on because I am waiting for something horrible to take away all that is good. What will it be this time? When will the other shoe drop? I prepare myself, always braced for unexpected blows. In a strange way I feel protected by my fears and I worry that letting go of them would mean dropping my guard and opening the door for disaster.

I am also aware of a strong tendency to be very harsh and critical -especially with myself. I play old tapes over and over, examining my errors, condemning myself again and again. I would love to be released from this character defect but I'm not yet convinced that it is possible. I mean, I know that God has the power to heal these afflictions but I don't yet trust Him absolutely to heal me.

And that brings me to a reservation I've been carrying around for the better part of thirty years. I believe in God but I don't always have the feeling that he cares that much about me. I sometimes wonder if I am really on God's radar. That particular reservation is fundamental stuff as far as recovery goes. It's an issue that has come up several times throughout my step work. What good is a belief in God if I don't trust Him with my life? My faith is growing though. I let go, one finger at a time.

So here I am, aware of my shortcomings and reservations, praying to God for the willingness and trust required to surrender. I cannot say I did this step perfectly, but I did it to the best of my abilities which is all that is asked of me.

It Ain't Easy Being a Loser

2010-07-28T11:53:00.006-03:00

It's still morning but I've had to adjust my attitude about a half dozen times already today. I feel like I try so hard to get it right but nothing comes easily. I'm so sick of failing. In these moments words like surrender and grace make me want to vomit -they're so fucking trite. And yet, I know.

I remember reading that a nun who lived with Saint Therese of Lisieux said she should receive no credit for her virtuous nature because it came to her without effort. Well, those who have read Therese's story know this isn't entirely true. It brings me a certain comfort to know that even the saints had to practice holiness.

Overcoming great obstacles will only make us stronger right? But what about those challenges that we never overcome? Because right now I'm getting my ass kicked. The hurdles are too high today.

I keep forgetting I was never going to win. When the memory creeps in I fall on my knees in exhaustion. There is no use running. It's over. I have lost.

And this is where God finds me.

Every time.

Flashback: An Inconclusive Self-Diagnosis

2010-07-23T07:33:00.006-03:00

The following entry is part of a flashback series I post on occasionally. This post was originally published in a blog titled, "A Detox on the Rocks" that I kept from 2005-2007. I have copied the entries and declined editing a single letter. These words teach me more about my addiction now than they ever could at the time.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

what constitutes addiction?

just how exactly is addiction diagnosed? usually it is self-diagnosed. there are various self assessment tools out there, such as the MAST (michigan alcohol screening test) DAST (drug abuse screening test) CAGE, SASSI, FAST, etc.

although i score high on all of these tests i still have to confront my denial on a daily basis. i tell myself things like "i'm young, it's no big deal" or "everyone around me uses just as much or more than i do". well, the truth is that i'm not a teenager anymore and the only reason everyone around me uses as much as i do is because i have surrounded myself in a subculture of addicts. not to mention, both my parents are active addicts. drug and alcohol abuse was a "normal" part of my everyday family life. but, i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. i want to be healthy and productive. i have not received much support for my decision. my mother, my boyfriend, and most of my friends think i am overreacting or paranoid. people tell me to "just quit" if i don't want to use. problem is i've been trying to "just quit" everyday for years. i'd suffer silently wrestling my insecurities. when did it stop being fun? was it ever fun? and when did i cross the line? i always said i'd never end up like my parents. now i'm divorced from a man who i'd find passed out with a needle stuck in his arm, and it's nothing to be playing cards on a friday night and see the crack pipe being passed around. i look at these people and think "thank God i don't do that" or "what a bunch of junkies" me? i'm a pothead. i like to get wasted. take a few pills here and there? sure! but, i need them for my nerves... right?

i guess what it comes down to is that i am unhappy. i can't seem to quit by myself. i obsess about drugs and alcohol. i use against my will and better judgement. i am an addict. maybe.

posted by Jane at 4:35 PM 3 comments

The Free Slave

2010-07-12T00:01:00.004-03:00

I have been freed from the shackles of addiction.

I am no longer a slave, lusting and longing for my next reprieve.

I suffer no itch that cannot be scratched nor thirst that cannot be quenched.

I have choices.

Each day is a blank canvas. I am no longer limited to colouring inside the lines.

My world isn't so small anymore.

Active addiction is a suffocating, contracting, drawing in of energy. It is hot and muggy and dark.

Recovery is fresh air on my face, an explosion of creative energy, an orgasmic release.

I have been liberated.

And now the journey begins.

Wounded Warrior

2010-07-10T09:31:00.007-03:00

My drug and alcohol addictions kept me stuck in a bog. Heavy sludge weighed down my steps. It was pure drudgery. I progressed slowly. Eventually, I crawled out of the mess but I'm still covered in a lot of crap. I'm cleaning myself off now. I scrub a lot and wait for grace to rain down and wash the dirt away. We work together -God and me.

I expect plenty more obstacles on this journey. More temptations, more loss, more fear. Fallen trees, storms and predators are sure to cross my path. But I can climb, find shelter and fight as long as I stay out of that miserable wasteland of addiction.

I am now the wounded warrior. I have weaknesses but I am experienced, agile and brave. Spiritual springs quench my thirst and daily bread nourishes my soul. My enemies have retreated to the mountains for the time being.

I am feeling mighty victorious today. Can you tell?

Do Something Loving For Yourself!

2010-07-04T22:05:00.011-03:00

After finishing Step Five my sponsor suggested I do something special for myself. It sounded like a good idea but I didn't really think it applied to me. I mean, I'm not one of those moms who totally ignores herself. I buy myself new shoes if I want them. I eat cheesecake occasionally. I get more time to myself and more help from my husband than most moms I know. I do alright.

About a week later my sponsor brought it up again. "Have you done anything for yourself yet?" Um, well no. This time I really considered the suggestion. What does it mean to do something for myself? Forget the cheesecake and shoes; I want to feed my spirit. What things do I love to do that I haven't done in ages? I could visit an art gallery or go to the ballet. I could take a yoga class. Heck, I could even take myself to the movies. There's a great, little cinema downtown that plays indie flicks. Then it struck me. A massage! I haven't had a massage in years -since before kids. It's quite an extravagant treat for a low-income mom, but boy am I ready for it. When I think of how easily $60 slipped through my hands while I was active in my addiction... I could have had several massages each week!

So this week I am celebrating my success. I'm giving myself a pat on the back -literally! I'm not perfect but I've come a long way baby. Recovery need not be about a depressing list of have-nots or the endless to-dos of new found responsibility. It's about filling our cup with the good stuff: healthy, vibrant, creative, joyous, intimate and simple pleasures. Sometimes I need to remember that.

Flashback: Walking the Fence

2010-06-26T13:03:00.008-03:00

The following entries are part of a flashback series I'll be posting occasionally. They formed a blog titled, "A Detox on the Rocks" that I kept from 2005-2007. I have copied the entries and declined editing a single letter. These words teach me more about my addiction now than they ever could at the time.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

walking the fence

ok, so i did a bit of both last nite. i went to a meeting, then walked to the liquor store and bought a half pint. i figured i'd only get a half so i wouldn't get smashed. but of course i ended up at a bar anyways. i made a real ass of myself last nite. yelling and crying at my boyfriend. bringing up bullshit from years ago. it seems whenever i drink i become a basketcase these days. i didn't get high though. i woke up with a killer hangover, but a girl i know, kellie, wasn't that lucky. i guess she vomited after she passed out and choked to death. i haven't seen her in a few years, but it really scared me. it can happen so easily. it's time to grow up and get real about cleaning up my act. oh, and i finally told my boyfriend about the meetings. i just emailed him a link to my blog. i don't really know what he thinks, 'cause he didn't say too much about it.

posted by Jane at 6:12 PM 0 comments

Sunday, April 10, 2005

craving

i feel twisted. i'm hungry for something. just a craving i guess. i feel empty.

posted by Jane at 6:37 PM 0 comments

Monday, April 11, 2005

smiling outside, crying inside

my denial infuriates me. am i an addict? am i an alcoholic? depends on when you ask, or who you are. some things are very black and white. i know that i use chemicals to stuff my emotions. to avoid myself. to run away. a lot of people have a few drinks to "have fun" or "relax". this is not me. i use drugs and get wasted because i am emotionally weak. i start to freak out when i don't have a way to escape from myself, my pain, my past. i can't deal. i can't get enough. i know a lot of people would think that sounds dramatic, but to me its practically superficial. if there's something inside that i want to say, i don't know how to spit it out. so i stuff it. and become emotionally constipated. there doesn't seem to be anyone or anything that can fill the hole in my soul. i hate myself. it's not that people don't tell me that they care. they do. but i don't believe them. to me it's the wrong people saying it. or it's conditional. or maybe i'm just numb to love, jaded and cynical. i don't think anyone could convince me that their love was genuine, because i don't think i'm worthy. i'm a waste. for so long i have been denying myself the truth. i am not the person i pretend to be. i hate when people pretend to know or understand me. i don't even know me.

please don't post any comments on this entry.

posted by Jane at 11:30 PM 0 comments

Thursday, April 14, 2005

nightmares

they just won't leave me alone. i've a had a series of nightmares, every nite since i quit smoking pot. really weird, vivid ones.

posted by Jane at 7:54 AM 3 comments

Sunday, April 17, 2005

don't brainwash me

so, as of yesterday i have been clean and sober for one week. i'm starting to stable out a little bit. i'm still really moody and insecure, but, i'm gaining a little more sanity everyday! i know i'm not doing it the "right" way according to the "program", but i'm doing what works for me, right now. i still hang out with people who use, i don't have a sponsor, my boyfriend is a pothead, etc. this would be classified by many people as self-sabotaging behaviour, but i feel confident to do these things without slipping and if that confidence changes in the future, then so will my program. i just don't want to be brainwashed into a particular way of thinking. i don't believe any of the 12 step groups out there are the "be all and end all" on addicton; they certainly help, and if you're willing to do what is asked of you without judgement it can certainly save many lives. but, not all people are able or willing to have complete trust in the philosophy of others. maybe for me it's because i've never trusted the authority of others, having had bad role models as a child. i always felt obligated to discover my own truth. i feel the same way about religion. also, i'm afraid that i'm just being brainwashed to believe something about myself from a group of people who hardly know me. maybe it's part of my denial, a reservation. or, maybe i just lack the willingness and open-mindedness to pursue another way of doing things. who knows. point being i don't want to be brainwashed. but i will "keep coming back".

posted by Jane at 10:10 PM 0 comments

Golden

2010-06-23T20:17:00.011-03:00

It's the summer of '96. We hotbox the tents and drop acid as the sun goes down. Jamie dances around the fire with a quart of Captain Morgan in one hand and a squirt gun in the other. The music is loud -so loud I can feel it in my bones. Am I sitting on an amp? God no, I'm in the woods. Where is that vibration coming from? No matter, it feels good. It feels like life pulsing through me. Jamie yells for me to open my mouth. He squirts me. "Jesus, he's got rum in that gun!" We can't stop laughing.

We walk down to the shore to look at the stars. It's too dark and we're too high and everyone holds hands to keep from falling, which only makes us fall like dominoes.

"Pile up!"

"No! I'm too small, I'll die on the bottom, let me out." Everyone laughs harder.

I'm sinking in quick sand and the exchange student from France keeps talking to me but his words roll around in my head like a slow motion pinball. Boing. Boing. Boing. Nothing sticks. What is he talking about? I don't know but I like the way he says his words so I let him follow me around. His hair is pulled back in a ponytail and he has a hole in the knee of his jeans like me. Ponytails and ripped jeans. We're perfect together. I start to talk to him with a mix of core French and Pig Latin. We make up our own language. It makes total sense.

When the sun comes up the water is so still it looks like a desert. Half bodies glide across. Everyone's coming down. A few sit around the fire and play guitar but I get in the back of a pick-up truck 'cause we're going bridge jumping. Sherri and I sit on the shore and watch the boys dive in -buck naked. Sherri cries because, "It's so fucking beautiful."

I think I know how she feels.

I dig my toes in the sand and breathe long slow breaths. I'm more content than I've ever been.

I love this life.

Flashback: First Entries

2010-06-20T21:04:00.008-03:00

The following entries are part of a flashback series I'll be posting occasionally. They formed a blog titled, "A Detox on the Rocks" that I kept from 2005-2007. I have copied the entries and declined editing a single letter. These words teach me more about my addiction now than they ever could at the time.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

in the beginning...

i have so much to say, and yet i find myself emotionally constipated. words, thoughts, feelings... nothing seems to be processing quite right. i have decided to journal as a therapeutic tool in my battle against addiction. just what am i addicted too? well, i'm not a "crack whore" thank God! i'm a pothead and boozer mainly, although there's not too much i haven't tried....

my heart aches for freedom!

posted by Jane at 3:10 PM 0 comments

Friday, April 08, 2005

i'm gonna use

still, no sleep. i hate it. i'm gonna use. two beautiful blue pills. one up my nose and i'll just eat the other. i'm gonna wash 'em down with a couple of beer, but no pot 'cause that shows up in my piss tests. i'm trying to get into a women's rehab program that starts may 2, but you need to be "clean" for a while before they will let you take part because of our "clouded thinking". Personally i think it's sad that you have to be clean and sober before you can take a rehab program. i mean, spending a few days in detox, and then waiting a few months to get into a rehab program. it's silly. there's a missing link here. a half-way house would be good, but the only half-way house for women around here has 6 beds, which are already filled, and a waiting list. so in the meantime. i am back to my regular routine. i'm going to 12 step meetings, and connecting with some healthy friends. but that just doesn't cut it at 4am. i'm not going to call someone at this hour, and my cravings won't go away. so i used. fuck it.

posted by Jane at 4:41 AM 0 comments

to meet or not to meet?

so, it's friday night. i already told some members that i'd see them at a meeting, but now i don't want to go. i'm sick of meetings. i've been to at least one meeting a day for the past week. the funny thing is, my boyfriend doesn't have a clue. i'm always like, "im going over to tara's to watch a movie" or something like that. i just told him a few days ago that i'm trying to get clean and sober (that's a whole other story). i really don't know what to do with myself right now. i should go to a meeting, but there's a card game going on at a friend's place, and i just want to relax.

now, i know some people would probably say that it's just "my addiction talking" because there's going to be people drinking and getting high at the card game. and, it's stupid to be around people, places, and things that might trigger me, but i just don't care sometimes. i want to be laughing and hanging with my friends. i don't want to go to a meeting. i hate meetings. i mean sometimes they're great, but there's just too many old perverts and people a hell of a lot sicker than me. some meetings have a lot of young women and people my age. people who i used to get high with.. it's cool seeing them there. but you never know what you're walking into when you go to a meeting. i can't decide.

i guess i'll take a shower and think about it.

posted by Jane at 6:00 PM 1 comments

Looking Back

2010-06-19T13:47:00.013-03:00

I used to have a blog called "A Detox on the Rocks." It was about my search for sobriety. I started it in 2005 and deleted it in 2007. I was drunk when I started it and drunk when it was over. I called myself Sad Jane and poured my heart out on that blog.

Before I deleted the blog I had enough sense to copy the posts into a word document. I'm glad I did because I started to read them the other day and I'm blown away by how much has changed. I like reading those old posts. The old me.

I'm going to start posting some flashbacks.

Step Five

2010-06-15T10:48:00.040-03:00

"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

In step five we tell on ourselves. We tell the whole truth about who we are to God in the presence of another human being. We expose our wounds: our painful memories, toxic thoughts, and wrongdoings. We abolish the facade we have created to give a tour through the hidden rooms and back alleys kept private from the world. We share our brokenness, our ugliness and our pain.

Perhaps we portray the image of a hardworking, friendly and moral person but deep down we harbor feelings of shame and despair or lead a double life. This is normal. It certainly isn't common or recommended to bear your sins for all the world to see. We share these things with people who know us intimately and we can trust. It is when we stop sharing all-together and cling to the one-dimensional image we have created that problems arise. We must expose our wounds to receive treatment.

Our true selves are flawed, inadequate and speckled with all sorts of imperfections. This isn't to say we aren't lovely people as well -it just means we are wholly human. To live with integrity is to acknowledge our shortcomings so that we might open the doors to forgiveness, healing and transformation. God is a surgeon who can work wonders on our souls if only we are willing to confess our illness.

I immediately understood why it is so important to admit my wrongs to myself and God but I didn't know why it is so important to share my inventory with another human being. I knew that God would love and forgive me but I didn't trust another human being to be so pious. Eventually, I just did it because I was told that it was necessary. Now, having had the experience, I get it. I could never have reached such a degree of humility and vulnerability if I had come to God on my own. It takes courage to speak your sins aloud and it makes them seem somehow more real when another person is listening. Seeing through the eyes of another human shattered the last pieces of denial that held my mask in place.

It goes without saying that you should be very careful with whom you share your fifth step. For some people their inventory will be very run-of-the-mill stuff we have come to expect from a life lived with addiction. However, some inventories may include serious crimes, violence, abuse or sexual perversion. It is a special kind of person, usually a professional, who will know how to deal with this information in a safe, healthy manner without letting their own discomfort interfere with the process. Perhaps a therapist or a member of the clergy should be sought if you fear your inventory will be shocking or put you at risk. This isn't meant to be a counselling session but an untrained AA member may unintentionally say something that does more harm than good. It is a good idea to share your inventory with someone who has worked through the steps but if they aren't familiar with the program be sure to give them an explanation of the fourth and fifth steps before you begin.

The role of the listener isn't to counsel or bestow absolution and it certainly isn't to further shame you or point out any defects you might have overlooked. The listener is there for one reason only -to be a witness. It might be helpful if you ask them not to interrupt or minimize your faults which can be a natural reaction when we want to help someone. I was lucky to do my fifth with someone who understood their role very well. That isn't to say there can't be any discussion. Perhaps some clarifying questions are needed by the listener or you would like to hear some feedback. But for the most part you should try to let the inventory speak for itself.

I can't say I felt relief or healing immediately after sharing my fifth. I felt the sting of having my band-aid removed. I felt naked and ashamed. I felt disgusted with myself. My confessor was wise not to minimize or exaggerate for me. I was allowed to feel my pain for what it was. It was one of the single most humbling experiences of my life. In the days that followed I sensed some newfound serenity seeping into my once shame-filled story. Little by little, day by day, I am allowing myself to receive the healing and forgiveness God has been offering my troubled soul.

Step Four

2010-06-09T08:32:00.004-03:00

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

You don't need to be around the rooms of AA very long before sensing that the fourth step is usually approached with a little trepidation if not outright reluctance. Should you do a moral inventory early in recovery so you can make a fresh start or do you wait until you have "good sobriety" under your belt -just in case it strikes some heavy emotional blows? My quick answer: do it when you've done the first three steps, you have a sponsor, and you feel strong enough to honestly look at the mess.

I felt ready from day one. You see, I've been a bit of a self-help junkie over the years. I have an interest in personal growth and I'm introspective by nature so much of my inventory had already been done -in my head at least. It wasn't daunting unless I jumped ahead and considered the sharing part. (Not recommended.) The sheer volume of stuff that came out while I was writing my inventory surprised me but the content didn't. Those who suffer from ostrich syndrome haven't honed their self-observation skills and may find the fourth step much more intense or be overwhelmed by the process.

Even though I felt ready early in recovery I waited until I had a sponsor and did the first three steps thoroughly, which meant I had over a year sober before actually writing it out. I think this worked out really well for me because having a year between me and my drinking meant I was healthy enough to recognize just how sick my behaviors were and I was ready to be fearless. Well, almost fearless. Some things caused me to wince as I wrote it out but I forged ahead despite my repulsion. Earlier in recovery I wouldn't have had a clear head or much perspective on my issues. We may not even be aware that something is a character defect until we start to get healthy.

Usually, the basic inventory involves writing out resentments, fears, harm done to others and sexual conduct as described in the Big Book. Sometimes it's recommended that we examine our childhoods to uncover the root causes for our dependencies. Occasionally we're told to include our good qualities to bring some balance to the picture.

I was also told to write down anything that caused me embarrassment in the past or is an ongoing source of shame. Some of the things we did may not have been immoral or caused harm to others, but if they make us feel inadequate or regretful we should get them out on paper. If "silly" little things play over and over in your head, like a dark thought or bad memory, write it down. It doesn't matter if you were sober or drunk, a child or an adult when it happened. Our inventory isn't limited to things we did while intoxicated. Nor is it limited to our own actions. If someone crossed a line, violated, hurt or shamed you and there is still an emotional charge attached to the offense then be sure to include it as a resentment.

It's not necessary to nitpick or wrack your brain trying to uncover long lost memories about lies you told as a child or every foolish thing you did while drunk. If something bothers you, include it -otherwise don't worry about the neighbor's doll you broke in second grade. I'm sure she's over it. If you spend too much time focused on the specifics you won't see the forest for the trees. Instead, try to become aware of trends in your behavior. What character defects are popping up again and again? What things have you done that violated your moral principles? If someone could peer into your life, like a fly on the wall, what would they consider to be dysfunctional about you? Has there been domestic violence or infidelities? Are you a chronic liar? Easily offended or victimized? Critical of yourself or others? Do you frequently ignore personal boundaries or have control issues? Can you hold down a job? Do you avoid intimacy? Deeply ingrained behaviors need to be recognized before they can be challenged.

If you have committed overt or violent crimes they should be easily identified but if you are having trouble getting started or digging deeper then try searching online for a list of character defects or consider the seven deadly sins: pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed and sloth. Personally, I found pride to be one of my major, recurring defects and this list containing 50 Fruits of Pride helped me realize many of my shortcomings.

Don't worry about getting it perfect. I know that's easier said than done, but trust me when I say you are bound to forget some things and be unaware that other things are even considered defects of character. When these oversights surface they can be addressed as part of an ongoing personal inventory (Step 10).

There are a variety of methods and worksheets available online that you can find with some simple searching. I didn't use worksheets but I did browse through a lot of them online to see if they stirred something up. This shouldn't be approached like a classroom assignment. It is a time for self-reflection and soul-searching. Be alone with God and pour out your heart. Ask your Higher Power to show you the truth about yourself. Take off all those masks you use to hide from the world. Allow yourself to acknowledge all your brokenness. Mourn for your mistakes and pray for healing.

The fourth step can be life-changing stuff. It takes a brave warrior to travel the journey into Self. Be fearless! It just might save your life.

Father Joseph C. Martin

2010-06-08T14:20:00.018-03:00

I was a teenager the first time I went to detox. I only remember a few details, but one thing that sticks out was the videos of Father Martin they had piled on top of an old TV and VCR. I watched them all. There was something about him that breathed calm into my soul -and still does.

Isn't he great? You can watch more Fr. Martin videos here!

Death and Taxes

2010-05-07T16:50:00.019-03:00

Go to any AA meeting and in the preamble you will hear the phrase "rigorous honesty." Well, just this past week I had to get honest and tell on myself. Last year I babysat two children full-time while I was on my maternity leave. When it came time to file my taxes I conveniently left off $4,000 of the $5,000 I earned in extra income. I thought to myself, what does it matter? The remainder of my income still only amounts to $11,000; the government practically owes this to me -people on welfare get more support in the run of a year than I earned. This is how I justified my lie.

Not long after I filed my tax return one child's mother called to ask for my social insurance number -she was filing her taxes and needed to claim her daycare expenses. I had no idea I would be identified on her return. I was filled with panic when I realized that "tax evasion" (a term that didn't even enter my mind until confronted with the threat of being caught) carried a penalty of up to 50% of the undeclared income. With some quick research online I learned that offenders also had their dirty laundry aired in public. A well known hairdresser from my town had failed to declare a significant portion of her income for three years and her transgressions were printed on the Canada Revenue Agency website.

I felt guilty because of my deceit. Deep down I knew from the beginning that I wasn't doing the right thing. However, it was the threat of getting caught and paying a fine or being publicly shamed that made me do the right thing and amend my return. I wish I could say it was pangs of remorse that lead to my disclosure and financial amends but God knows I probably never would have listened to my conscience if I was certain I wouldn't get caught.

This little lesson came with some big insights. When I sin, I am more afraid of my peers finding out than I am of God's disapproval. Am I so certain of God's love and forgiveness that I have stopped fearing Him? I remember reading a near-death experiencer share his account of facing judgement on the other side. He said the one question he was asked, that brought the extent of his failure into focus, was how have you loved? When I imagine myself in the presence of the Great Artist, of such pure love and grace, I am instantly humbled and shamed. Remember Michelle, the one true opinion that matters.

So this is my confession, to you, anonymous internet people. I am still a work in progress. He isn't finished with me yet.

My Third Step

2010-03-02T13:09:00.003-04:00

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

Of all the twelve steps in Alcoholics Anonymous I consider steps one and three to be the most crucial. Step one because we cannot change what we don't acknowledge and step three because it opens the door to a spiritual experience -which is the heart of AA's recovery program.

In the second step we came to believe that there is a Power greater than ourselves at work in this universe. We don't need to understand or name that Power, but in step three we must come to an understanding of God that is personal and meaningful enough to serve as the foundation for a serious relationship and spiritual awakening.

Understanding God

I like to compare this initial step toward a relationship with God as meeting a new lover. We don't know everything about someone when we fall in love with them. We just get an intuitive sense of compatibility and an overwhelming desire to spend time with them. Over time we come to learn the details -their birth date, favorite foods, secret fears, quirks, strengths and weaknesses. We don't sit down and ask them to list all of these things before we agree to enter into a relationship with them. We all come to God with a huge list of unknowns -even if we associate ourselves with a major religion. Our connection to God will deepen and blossom through insights and experiences if we have the willingness to risk pursuing a relationship.

Our beliefs about God need not conform to those of another, but we do need to come to an understanding of God that will help us in our recovery. The details may change over time but the foundation must be one in which God cares. I wouldn't advise anyone to get involved with a lover who is distant, impersonal or uncaring let alone a Higher Power.

Making Sense of Will

Now, I want to share a little bit about the concept of will. There are two ways to interpret the word will. When I speak about wanting to know God’s will for me I am referring to God’s wish or desire. However, when I say I can’t will myself to stop drinking I am actually referring to willpower –which is the power of the mind to control thoughts and actions. Depending on the context the word will could be indicating a desire or it could be describing an effort.

It's no bad thing to have a desire for something and to work with steadfast determination toward achieving that goal. However, sometimes our will is weak and we fail. Other times we try to use our will to control things that are beyond our control. By trying to force our will on things we set ourselves up for suffering. Sure, from time to time there will be successes, but willpower is an unpredictable source of strength. The mind is easily manipulated when the flesh wants something. Trying to control an addiction by sheer will is a battle best not waged.

We must make a conscious decision not to engage in dialogue with our demons. When we struggle against something we are giving it energy and attention which only serves to empower that which we are resisting. We must let our weakness become our strength so our failure can become our victory. By acknowledging our brokenness we walk away from the ring before the first punch is pulled. This is the practice of surrendering our will (willpower). We can’t lose if we don’t fight!

Practicing Acceptance

If we are going to experience serenity in recovery we not only need to forfeit our willpower, we also need to be emotionally mature enough to cope when things don't go our way. Turning over our will is also about surrendering our desire and expectations. Failing to live life on life's terms is rejecting reality, which, if I may point out, is the definition of insanity. We will drive ourselves crazy if we keep focusing on what we want instead of the truth of what actually is!

Thankfully, by practicing acceptance we can free our mind and energy, become fully present and perhaps even experience some peace despite the circumstances. This process of letting go also allows us to act rather than react to situations. When we aren't consumed with overpowering emotions we are able to think much more clearly. I like to think of this as resting in the eye of the storm. There may be a whirlwind of chaos going on around us but if we keep ourselves centered we can avoid getting caught up in the cyclone of insanity.

Believing He Can Help

Although I often struggle to surrender my will, I do understand it intellectually. Something that I couldn't wrap my brain around quite so easily was turning my life over to God. The truth is I have been grappling with this third step for a few months now because I wasn’t entirely convinced that God would intercede on my behalf. I wasn't sure what I believed about divine intervention.

I know people who pray to God when they can’t decide where to go on vacation or what car to buy. If they get a promotion it is because God is blessing them; if they lose their job it is “God’s will.” I find it hard to make sense of all this. Does God really orchestrate every event in our lives? What about free-will? When horrible things happen to me is that part of God’s plan too? These are pretty big, important questions about the nature of God and existence that I needed to investigate before I could go any further with step three.

So, I thought about it. And then I thought some more. I changed my mind a dozen times and then changed it back. My conclusion is that although I don’t believe God is a supernatural puppeteer who micromanages every aspect of my existence, He is involved. It seems from my experience that when we fully commit ourselves and ask for help, then Providence moves too. Sometimes God seems frustratingly elusive or absent but occasionally He breaks through in spectacular ways. I love hearing personal accounts about miraculous events and the power of prayer.

I try to avoid comforting myself by saying it was God's will when bad things happen because I don’t believe that it is ever God’s desire to inflict pain or suffering on us. However, I do believe He can use these experiences for good purposes. Since God is merciful it is not his wish to destroy darkness but to transform it into light. For example, God takes my addiction and uses it to bring me closer to Him.

Finally, Turning it Over

This is the crux of the matter. Instead of being the captain of my ship I step aside and let God take the helm. I do this by praying, asking for guidance and listening for answers with an open mind. At first it is difficult to recognize God's voice. I've come to understand that the best way to know God's will is to examine my own heart. "I will put my instructions deep within them, and I will write them on their hearts." (Jeremiah 31:33)

I don't spend my days looking for signal graces (signs sent from God to help us make decisions) but I do believe they exist. I figure when God wants His will to be known He will speak to me in a language and medium that makes sense to me -whether that be dreams, synchronicity, coincidences, intuition, conscience or something else. I'm certain that as my relationship with my Higher Power evolves, as I come to know and trust Him more deeply, I will hear His voice more clearly.

***

I used to be intimidated by the third step. I thought I needed to have some great spiritual experience before I could claim that I had turned my life over to Him. Now I know that I will never be able to surrender my will perfectly like Jesus did. I will continue to rely on my own willpower and get frustrated when the world doesn't yield to my expectations. But, little by little, as I practice this step again and again, my will and God's will will draw closer together.

Another Big Milestone

2010-02-24T14:21:00.018-04:00

This month has been a month of blessings. Not only did I give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl but I also picked up my one year chip at AA. On February 14th, the day of love, I celebrated one year of clean and sober living! How's that for loving yourself? Wow. I can hardly believe it's been a year. And yet, that old way of living seems so foreign to me now. How could I have made myself so miserable for so long when freedom was just a breath away? Surrender is golden.

The women at my home group were so generous when I finally showed up on Monday to pick up my chip. They had a cake and card for me and even had some gifts for baby Kathleen who I brought along to show off. I just love my women-only, AA home group. It's full of wise and wonderful spirits, broken hearts and wounded healers. My true self shines through in the rooms of AA. I am not keeping up appearances or revealing cherry-picked parts of myself. I am whole and complete in my brokenness and I am accepted as just another Bozo on the bus. That's not to say I don't get anxious or self-conscious by times. I do. But I know they do too. Through them I learn it is okay to be imperfect. In fact, it's essential to the human experience. How cool is that?

As We Understood Him (Or Didn't!)

2010-02-01T06:03:00.006-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about AA's step two and step three the past few ~~days~~ decades. I've formally completed step two and I'm almost done reading and writing about step three but I still have this nagging sense that I'm not quite done with it all yet. Perhaps that is the way it's supposed to be. Since our definitions of a Higher Power is always evolving (for most of us anyway) and the process of turning over our will is an ongoing struggle, we never really finish with these steps. They, like admitting powerlessness, are an integral part of our daily program.

My relationship to God is somewhat traditional in that I believe in the God of Abraham and that Christ was God incarnate, but my search for relationship doesn't end there. To know God intimately means that the details change over time. The nature of God changes as I grow spiritually. We really do make God in our image; we can't help it! If my beliefs about God are rigid and unchanging then I believe in a rigid, unchanging God. If I believe (which I do) that God is a very personal and engaging force that reveals Himself to me in proportion to my seeking then I have a Higher Power that is like an old friend with new surprises. (For the record I don't believe that God has a gender but I use the personal pronoun He because It is just too impersonal for my liking.)

I try to recommit to the mystery of God every day because my desire to wrap Him up in a neat little bow is powerful. We humans want concrete, rational, unchanging, absolute answers. We don't easily tolerate ambiguity, abstractions, ineffabilities or paradox. I'm starting to learn that God is not a matter for the mind; God is after my heart and it is only through my heart that I can come to Him. Again and again I come to this conclusion yet I continue to get caught up in divine intellectualizations. I'm not as inclined to dismiss or suppress this God-thinking as I might have been in the not-so-distant past. I believe that God gave us the ability to think for a reason. But inevitably the final leap is one of faith -not reason.

The journey into relationship with God is one of surrendering as much of yourself as you can to as much of God as you understand. I don't think God expects us to know or understand. I'm sure God is aware just how simple and weak we are. Only He has the answers and we need to learn to be okay with that -to release, trust and surrender despite the questions. Faith does not exist apart from doubt!

Horace Bushnell once said, "Pray to the dim God, confessing the dimness for honesty's sake." I think that is all He asks of us. It's a good place to start at least. And, in all honesty, it's probably where most of us will finish! You know what else? I think God is okay with that.

Sharing My Story, Aloud, in Public!

2010-01-24T06:25:00.009-04:00

I've been asked to share my story at my AA home group on Monday. Wow! I didn't even know that someone with 11 months of sobriety was welcome to speak. I suppose I thought it would be a few more years before anyone would think I had some experience, strength and hope to offer. I feel really honored and excited to have been given this opportunity but I'm also pretty nervous.

Public speaking doesn't come easily to most people -especially when it involves taking center stage by yourself for a half hour of story telling without a script. I know the story well, it is my life after all, but standing in front of a crowd tends to make my mind go blank. Even in casual one-on-one conversations I can get flustered and stumble over my words if it isn't someone I know well. I have never, in all my years of attending speaker meetings, seen someone get up to speak with a sheet of notes. I wonder why that is. Would it seem too formal or less sincere if I came to the podium prepared with a list of points to remember?

I spent the past week mulling over what I want to say. It's been a worthwhile exercise condensing my childhood, addiction, and recovery journey to the experiences and insights that have most greatly influenced who I am today. What a strange trip it has been. Despite all the heartache and misery I've come to the conclusion that given the opportunity I wouldn't change a thing. And that says a lot!

A Little Inspiration

2010-01-12T06:33:00.017-04:00

A fellow member handed out copies of this modified version of the 23rd Psalm last evening and I found it so touching I thought I'd post it here for others to enjoy. At the bottom of the Psalm it says it was distributed at an AA meeting in Attleboro, Mass in July of '78 but no author is credited.

The 23rd Psalm for Those in Recovery

The Lord is my sponsor, I shall not want.

He makes me go to many meetings.

He leads me to sit back, relax, and listen with an open mind.

He restores my soul, my sanity, and my health.

He leads me in the path of sobriety, serenity, and fellowship for my own sake.

He teaches me to think, to take it easy, to live and let live, and do first things first.

He makes me honest, humble and grateful.

He teaches me to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and gives me the wisdom to know the difference.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of despair, frustration, guilt, and remorse, I will fear no evil.

For Thou are with me, Your program, Your way of life, Your twelve steps, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies: rationalization, fear, anxiety, self-pity and resentment.

You anoint my confused mind and jangled nerves with knowledge, understanding and hope.

No longer am I alone, neither am I afraid, nor sicken, nor helpless, nor hopeless.

My cup runneth over.

Surely sobriety and serenity shall follow me every day of my life, one day at a time.

As I surrender my will to You and carry Your message to others, I will dwell in the house of my Higher Power, forever and ever.

Amen

My Second Step

2010-01-09T04:41:00.034-04:00

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

I'm making a real effort not to complicate the second step. It can be a very simple step for people like me who have already spent a great deal of time contemplating the existence of God. In fact, to the best of my memory, I have always believed in a Power greater than myself. I remember lying in bed as a child and looking up at the moon through the window with fear and awe. The mysterious longing for connection with some greater force has gnawed at my soul in my seeking and my hiding from Him. Even in days gone by when I was trying my best to numb my existential angst with drugs, material things and other people I could not deny or ignore the mystical world of spirit that I saw breaking through on occasion.

Strange and unexplained phenomena such as personal accounts from those who have had near-death experiences; ghostly encounters; the eerie wisdom of prophecy and the effectiveness of energy healing modalities tell me that there is definitely something big going on under the surface of existence. Have I figured out what that "thing" is yet? Not quite. And I don't really expect to solve the mystery in this lifetime. However, I do have certain convictions that bring me comfort and direction on my journey. These beliefs are not carved in stone so it is quite likely that, if asked any other day, I could give a somewhat different account of my faith. Suffice to say that I do believe in a Power great than myself.

And, that that Power can restore me to sanity. Yes, I need restoration. Yes, I have been insane. What is sanity? A sound mind and good judgement seem to sum it up for me. I certainly don't experience peace of mind or make wise decisions when I am active in my addiction. Even when I am not altering my consciousness with toxic chemicals I still experience moments of insanity and I believe that God can heal these pains as well -if I seek His power.

Common Roles in Dysfunctional Families

2009-12-11T07:33:00.011-04:00

In dysfunctional families -such as those where addiction, abuse or neglect is prevalent- family members often develop personalities that provide them with a sense of purpose and enable them to cope with the on-going trauma. In one widely accepted theory, best known as dysfunctional family roles, Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse defines specific identities that commonly emerge.

The enabler becomes the caretaker and martyr for the family. They try their best to hide the problem and protect all family members. Domestic duties such as cooking, cleaning and child-rearing are also assumed by this person. Usually a parent accepts this role but in some families it is a child who must step up to the plate.

The hero is often an over-achieving perfectionist. They are usually excellent students who involve themselves in sports or other extracurricular activities. On the outside these children may appear mature and well-adjusted but inside they are experiencing a compulsive drive to succeed and desperate desire for recognition. Despite great accomplishments these children are prone to feelings of failure and inadequacy.

The scapegoat acts out what can't be talked about. These kids are often defined as "problem children." They usually struggle in school and get in trouble with the law. Alcohol and drug experimentation, sexual promiscuity and aggressive outbursts are some of the behaviors common to scapegoats.

The lost child retreats from the family chaos and self-soothes with books, television or a rich fantasy life. They prefer to be alone and have difficulties forming meaningful relationships. They may appear independent, shy or aloof to the outside world. Lost children often find comfort in food, shopping, alcohol or other drugs as time goes by. However, their solitude may be conducive to more spiritual or creative, mental pursuits.

The mascot is often very social and entertaining. They may be hyper-active, cute or humorous. People often see the mascot as being fun-loving and happy but their laughter is actually a mask used to hide deeper issues and it prevents healing. These children have a hard time dealing with serious issues, identifying feelings and expressing a wide range of emotions.

Unlike those who take on dysfunctional family roles, healthy individuals are able to experience a wide range of feelings and behaviors appropriate to the situation. They may enjoy a good laugh with friends but don't shy away from quiet, alone time. They can pursue a new skill or task without feeling that their value as a person is wrapped up in doing a perfect job. Healthy people can reach out and offer help to others but don't feel it is their responsibility to fix or change the person.

Family roles aren't set in stone and people don't consciously choose to take on a role. It develops rather organically as part of their personality. Sometimes a family member has strong characteristics from various roles or their coping strategy changes over time. Usually children carry their roles into adulthood. Even people from so-called normal or healthy families can adopt one of these roles if faced with sudden trauma or stress.

I know that for myself growing up I fit into three of these roles very clearly at different stages. In early childhood I was the lost child -hidden in my room reading books or watching television. Since I spent so much time alone and enjoyed reading I became an excellent student and took on the role of the hero as classroom work progressed from art and music to book reports and final exams. Excelling in school gave me the attention and recognition I so desperately needed. By the time I graduated junior high I was the president of the student council and editor of the yearbook as well as a competitive gymnast and honor-roll student. This all changed when I entered high school. In hindsight I think it was the stress of seeing so many new faces and knowing that I could no longer out-shine everyone that made me crumble. My perfectionism told me that if I wasn't the best that it wasn't worth trying. In junior high there were only a few dozen classmates to compete with, but in high school there were hundreds of bright, accomplished students. My entire sense of self and identity collapsed.

Up to this time I had a few friends who came from fairly normal, stable families. The supper-on-the-table, devoted parents and nice homes were completely foreign to me. I was ashamed of my life. The normalcy of their lives emphasized the dysfunction of my own. At the same time as I was letting go of my over-achieving ways I also broke away from the friendships I had formed. In high school I started hanging out with people who came from similar backgrounds and spent a lot of time partying and doing drugs. I never got into any real trouble with the law and despite lower grades I still graduated but I certainly engaged in a lot of delinquent, risky behaviors and would probably be labeled a scapegoat by most standards.

Living the scapegoat lifestyle was familiar and comfortable. It was the only life I knew. I was no longer a fish-out-of-water trying to mingle with polite society. I was filled with feelings of rejection, abandonment and unresolved anger. These raw emotions were best shared during drunken dramas in basements with loud music and Pink Floyd posters. I connected with people who lived through things like me and we numbed the pain together. Of course, that isn't what we thought we were doing at the time. It was all about good music, good weed and parties. The crazier, the better. I have to admit I had some fun, wild nights but in the end I always woke up with that same empty feeling. The intimacy we shared over a case of beer seemed to disappear with the sobering sun of a new day.

Deep down I knew that although this lifestyle was much more comfortable it wasn't my authentic self. I longed for spiritual healing, meaningful relationships and honest living. I wanted to stop playing the same old tapes and find out who I really was. Just because it felt normal to be in an abusive relationship and to numb myself with chemicals didn't mean that it was my destiny. I started on a journey to overcome my self-destructiveness and develop my true self. It hasn't been easy traveling on unknown roads and I often find myself reverting to outdated maps but I spend less time at the old stomping grounds these days. Today, living this new sober life as a wife and mother is starting to feel normal.

An Alcoholic Legacy

2009-11-27T08:38:00.015-04:00

In 1979 I was born to two young, restless souls who were already emotionally crippled by their personal demons. In the previous month my mother had turned 17 and my father had turned 20. Both were still living at home with their parents and neither had the benefit of a healthy support system. My mother and father were both children of alcoholics themselves.

Mom was one of ten children who grew up in a bootlegging home. This was the place I spent most of my first eight years. My grandfather drove cab while my grandmother poured drinks. I can remember friends and neighbours (customers) gathering in the "back room" to play cards. They were a fairly calm crew of regulars and I never felt threatened by their presence.

Back then my grandmother liked to watch the soaps in the afternoon and buy cheap items at the Salvation Army to mark up and resell at the Flea Market on Sundays. My grandfather had little patience for kids so he was usually off driving cab or playing bingo. Occasionally he'd joke around but mostly I remember him yelling at us (mom's younger brothers, my cousins and I) to get out of the house and go play. I hear things were pretty bad when my mom was growing up but my grandfather had quit drinking and calmed down a bit in his later years. I certainly wouldn't call my grandparents nurturing but they weren't without their particular brand of affection. Off-colour humor, raucous laughter and teasing were commonplace. Interestingly my grandparents didn't even get married until their children were all grown. Eventually, as a formality, they just went down to the courthouse and signed some papers.

My father's parents were formal, distant and Catholic. I never heard them swear but I didn't hear any real laughter either. My grandmother had the six children pray the rosary together daily but there was no real joy in their religion. It was mostly a lot of fear and rules. Family secrets, such as my grandfather's drinking and an out-of-wedlock firstborn that was sent to be raised by family living in the US, were simply not addressed. I've been told that my father never admitted to his parents that I existed until I was almost in kindergarten. I don't know if this is true but I wouldn't be surprised.

The year I turned eight my mother and father reunited and got married. We moved into a dirty, two bedoom apartment above a gas station. There were beer posters on the walls and my bedroom doubled as a dart room on the weekends. My parents drank and fought a lot. The smell of marijuana, the music of Tom Petty blasting full volume and the intensity of pure alcoholic rage are deeply imprinted on my being. Screaming, punching, smashing furniture, wrestling matches and police intervention were typical weekend warfare. Usually I'd just hide under the blankets in my bedroom and talk to God but eventually my mother would bring the fighting to me. I don't know if she thought I'd offer her protection or solace but invariably she would stumble in my room cursing and slam the door shut on my charging father. If she got into bed with me my father would drag her out by the ankles. My bedroom was often torn apart. I hated her for using me as her shield instead of protecting me. She'd spit in my father's face and the foul-mouthed language exchanged between them would make a grown man cringe. The beatings came from both directions but my mother was always quick to play the victim. She'd come to me smelly, drunk and crying for comfort. Even as a young child I felt nothing but contempt and disgust.

I can remember one particular night quite vividly. I was tucked away in my bed listening to the madness unfold in the living room when some desperate shrieks made me think they really would kill each other this time. I went to the kitchen, grabbed the biggest knife I could find and pointed it at them while screaming "STOP IT" at the top of my lungs repeatedly. If they became aware of my presence between the neck-wringing, hair-pulling and eye-gouging they didn't acknowledge it. The wrestling continued, the glass coffee table shattered and I realized, if there was ever any doubt, that I was indeed completely invisible.

We moved apartments every other year and despite a rich fantasy life I was never rescued by a nice policeman, teacher or neighbour. Plenty of people knew what was going on but there was no intervention. When the police did show up they would look at me with pity but as far as I know there were no calls made to child welfare. Usually they would insist that my parents separate for the night or my father would be taken to the drunk tank so mom and I would go to her friend's place. I wished they would take both of them.

The drinking and fighting continued several nights a week for the better part of ten years until my parents divorced. My nerves and my trust were shattered. I had no brothers or sisters to commiserate with which only added the isolation. I suffered from depression and panic attacks throughout my teen years. I was nobody. I was rejected and abandoned. I was unloved and forgotten. I was ripe for addiction.

My First Step

2009-11-14T06:48:00.009-04:00

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -that our lives had become unmanageable."

I'd like to share a little bit about what I learned and experienced while working the first step of Alcoholics Anonymous. You'd think this step would come easily to anyone who has suffered enough to end up in AA but that wasn't the case for me. I was certain that I could control my drinking eventually. I believed that by healing my emotional wounds and developing my spirituality I would no longer have the desire to drink too much too often. I envisioned a life in which I would be satisfied to share a bottle of wine with an old friend or have a couple of beers at a BBQ without experiencing the desperate craving for more. I thought there was an opportunity for special occasion drinks without the daily obsession.

I used to think AA's first step made many of us sicker than we truly were -it told us we were powerless and that became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Oh sure, there were the really hopeless types who didn't stand a chance without complete abstinence but those of us who hadn't hit rock bottom and had the will and intelligence could, if we wanted, learn to drink responsibly. For the most part I considered alcoholism a mental illness -not a physical disease. Certainly a person could become physically addicted to alcohol if used to excess but I wasn't someone who would suffer from tremors, hallucinations or seizures if I didn't drink -that only happened to real alcoholics. I thought the physical component of alcoholism didn't apply to me.

The Disease of Alcoholism

Today many of my attitudes about alcoholism have changed. There may be no blood test or gene marker to diagnose alcoholism but I have come to understand that there are physiological differences and genetic factors contributing to the disease. Children of alcoholics adopted into tea-toddling homes still show an increased incidence of addiction. Research also shows that alcoholics (and children of alcoholics with no drinking experience) metabolize alcohol differently than the general population. Their livers change alcohol into acetaldehyde at twice the normal rate, while the subsequent conversion of acetaldehyde into acetate is abnormally slow. The build up of acetaldehyde combines with neurotransmitters to create opiate-like substances called THIQs which create feelings of euphoria while at the same time causing the brain to stop/slow down the production of its own natural neurotransmitters. This process creates the intense cravings that alcoholics experience when they have a drink. Over time it can also lead to clinical depression.

So, I've learned that there is some science behind this disease concept and it has nothing to do with emotional or spiritual health. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that emotional and spiritual illness play a big part in addiction -otherwise the 12 step program of AA wouldn't be effective. I've simply come to accept that there is a physical component to powerlessness as well. I now understand that I don't need to drink to excess before I am physically addicted to alcohol -my body metabolizes alcohol in such a way that I develop the phenomenon of craving with the very first drink. That is another thing I've come to understand -the difference between craving, obsession and compulsion.

Craving, Obsession and Compulsion are Not the Same!

Obsession refers to my preoccupation with alcohol. I used to waste a lot of time and energy trying to control my drinking. I'd plan to drink only a certain amount at a time or only a few nights each week. I thought about how alcohol was ruining me and yet the next drink couldn't come soon enough. Thoughts of alcohol -the regret and the longing -consumed me. Those equal, but opposite desires -to drink and to be sober -are common to the alcoholic mind.

Compulsion was the irresistible impulse I experienced when confronted with an opportunity to drink. Despite all my sincere promises to quit drinking I wouldn't be able to conjure a single reason not to get drunk. I'd go on auto-pilot and be drinking before I even considered what was happening.

Craving is my body begging for more when I've had a drink. Once those first few drinks are in my system I will find a way to drink more come hell or high water. It doesn't matter if it means leaving early, paying double, walking for miles, lying, stealing, manipulating, begging or borrowing -I will find a way to continue drinking once I've started.

AA seeks to treat the obsession and stop the compulsion but it can never take away the craving -that's the physical part of the disease. The good news is that I can avoid cravings as long as I learn to deal with the obsessions and compulsions.

It's a Complicated Thing

I think the hardest thing for alcoholics and non-alcoholics to understand about this disease is that it is not always predictable. Even alcoholics can go through dry periods when they don't drink too much or at all -especially early on in the disease. This pattern is similar to many relapsing-remitting disorders such as multiple sclerosis or fibromyalgia. Similarly, some alcoholics never progress beyond a certain level of dysfunction while others drink themselves to death at a young age. It is absolutely not true that all alcoholics will end up hopeless, homeless drunks if their disease isn't treated; some will remain quite functional. Again, this is not unlike many other diseases such as arthritis or heart disease. Progression, none-the-less, is the usual outcome.

Alcoholics vs Hard Drinkers

To further complicate matters some people who drink quite a lot aren't necessarily alcoholics. Hard drinkers may binge and/or drink frequently but they don't suffer the preoccupation, compulsion and cravings that alcoholics do. Hard drinkers will cut down or quit drinking completely if their drinking starts to have negative consequences.

An Unmanageable Life

Unlike hard drinkers, alcoholics usually continue to drink as their life falls apart around them. They may promise to cut down or quit but they often break their promises. This is part of the unmanageability of alcoholism. However, I want to point out that despite popular belief, step one is not a two part step. A lot of people misquote the first step as saying, "we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable" but the step actually reads, "we admitted we were powerless over alcohol -that our lives had become unmanageable." The unmanageability step one is referring to is the powerlessness over alcohol. It is true that many alcoholics suffer in their relationships, finances and careers but some do remain quite functional. You do not have to lose your job, family, etc. to claim an unmanageble life. Powerlessness over alcohol is the unmanageability. If you can't control when or how much you drink then you are no longer the manager of your life -the booze is.

The Alcoholic Mind

It's absolute torture wanting to do something you don't want to do. I want to get drunk and I never want to drink again. I'm of two minds. This is common alcoholic thinking and I've begun to recognize it as such. When I'm angry, restless, irritable, discontented or bored my alcoholic mind says, "a drink would help" but the truth is that getting drunk would be a short-term solution to a long-term problem. My alcoholic mind also says, "this time it's going to be different -I won't let it get out of control" but my rational mind knows better.

"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing." (AA Big Book -Chapter 3)

I've finally come to the conclusion that I am an alcoholic and I don't want to try controlling my drinking any more. That way of life was utterly unsatisfying and left me feeling ashamed, remorseful and lonely. I was wasting my gifts and destroying my health in exchange for fleeting moments of intoxicated contentedness. There is no good reason to live as a slave to addiction. True contentedness doesn't come in a bottle but alcohol lies to me. It tells me I will be happier, more fulfilled and sociable if only I would control my drinking. The reality is, if I think about it honestly, I can never imagine a day when I will be able to have a glass of wine or two without wanting another bottle or two. Above all else that conviction reminds me that I am an alcoholic.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I think it's important for me to explore the reasons I drank so much. It's not enough to say, "I drink because I'm an alcoholic." The physical aspect of the disease kept me drinking once I had started but it was the spiritual/mental/emotional part of the illness that led me to the bottle in the first place. There is an underlying restlessness and dis-ease that permeates my entire state of being. A quiet but ever present anxiety and loneliness gnaws at me. When I drank all of my angst melted away. I felt connected to myself, my God and other people. My chattering mind was silenced and I became capable of living in the present moment. In many ways getting drunk can be a spiritual experience. This experience isn't guaranteed though. Sometimes I drank myself sober without achieving the solace I was seeking. Other times I threw myself a pity party and became overly emotional, or I'd become aggressive and destructive. You can't predict what will come to the surface when you have poisoned yourself with alcohol. Lowered inhibitions, loose morals and poor judgement accompany the euphoria and I was more likely to wake up the next day with a sense of remorse than relief.

Staying Sober

Getting sober isn't a problem for most alcoholics. Unless they are utterly polluted with booze they don't need to enter a detox program to get sober. Many alcoholics get up and go to work five days a week without a drink in their system. The challenge is staying sober. Some people seem to be able to quit drinking through sheer willpower. Most 12-steppers don't like to hear this but it's true. Not every alcoholic needs therapy, AA or a spiritual conversion to change their path. Sometimes the negative consequences of drinking are enough motivation to keep an alcoholic sober. However, I'm not one of these people. History has shown me that I am somewhat lacking in the willpower department and need more intervention. I want to treat the underlying spiritual illness so that I can live a richer, fuller life. AA's principles are a roadmap for recovery that just make sense. The 12 steps may not be the only way to stay sober -but they are a damned good one!

Practicing Non-Violence Towards Yourself

2009-09-03T06:05:00.019-03:00

I'm really mean to myself. I dredge up my past transgressions with disgust and shame compounded by years of self-indulgent loathing. Sometimes I actually say, "I hate you" aloud several times a day. Even nastier words like, "bitch" and "whore" pop out of my mouth almost instinctively. I once had a friend who told me he'd raise his hand to his temple in the shape of a gun when he was giving himself an emotional ass-kicking so I know I'm not entirely unique with this experience. A few weeks ago I had a minor epiphany when I realized I was abusing myself with the same words that my father used against my mother for years. Not only did I develop the common ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) trait of judging myself without mercy but I have also internalized and continued the abuse I witnessed as a child. Fifteen years of active addiction provides no shortage of sins and shortcomings to re-live.

I've been searching for a remedy to this affliction for some time, usually in the self-help aisle of bookstores or a counselor's office, but the greatest relief always came from a few stiff drinks. Getting drunk made me feel relaxed, confident and connected. Now, without that crutch, I am desperate for a better solution. I want to be restored to sanity and I know that God is waiting for me to get over myself and accept my imperfection. By denying the forgiveness that is being offered I am telling God that I make a better judge and raise my self-importance to new levels. Ironically, intense self-flagellation is as much an indication of a big ego as it is of low self-esteem. Great expectations lead to great torment.

"If you are willing to serenely bear the trial of being displeasing to yourself then you will be for Jesus a pleasant place of shelter." (St. Thérese of Lisieux)

When I read the above quote by St. Thérese I breathed a deep, knowing breath. I came to realize that I don't need to overcome my misery, I need to embrace it. That which we resist persists. All of the psychospiritual energy I spend fighting my dark side actually gives it the power to continue growing stronger. It is only through practicing acceptance that I am freed from it's grip. Members of 12-step programs are very familiar with this paradox.

So I'm trying to "turn it over" and "give it to God" when the old records start playing but I haven't totally surrendered yet. Don't ask me why I hold on so tightly to the hate. I suppose in some way it must provide a release or payoff otherwise I wouldn't do it. The behaviour is so ingrained it feels like a part of my essence. I am violence turned inward. I am alone, ignored, worthless. I am hate manifested. I am ugly, wrong, bad, pathetic, stupid, rejected nobody. I am broken.

Thankfully, God loves my brokenness. It is in this place that I am humbled and become willing to receive. When I am at the lowest of lows there is no distraction from God and in these moments restoration is truly possible.

20 Spiritual Questions to Ponder

2009-08-20T07:08:00.015-03:00

In the documentary ONE: The Movie filmmakers asked well-known spiritual teachers and everyday people philosophical questions that explore the meaning of life. I haven't watched this movie yet but I have come across the 20 questions on another blog and they sent my head spinning. What do I believe? Some answers came easily but others required much more reflection. It's interesting to ponder how my beliefs have changed over the years and consider how they will continue to evolve in the future. I wonder how different the world would be if people took time on a regular basis to explore these ideas and contemplate their faith.

1. Why is there poverty and suffering in the world?
Because "evil" does exist and the majority of us that could do something about these issues are too far removed from the problem to really care. Mass poverty and suffering are mirrors exposing the culmination of our individual ignorance and apathy.They are the result of us versus them thinking.

2. What is the relationship between science and religion?
Science is a limited religion.

3. Why are so many people depressed?
They have forgotten to look at life from both sides.

4. What are we all so afraid of?
Being criticized, abandoned, forgotten, alone. That death is the end.

5. When is war justifiable?
I don't know.

6. How would God want us to respond to aggression and terrorism?
With prayer.

7. How does one obtain true peace?
By surrendering.

8. What does it mean to live in the present moment?
To act without an attachment to the results, let go of the past and stop trying to control the future.

9. What is our greatest distraction?
The illusion of a limitless void. That more (money, stuff, power, recognition, serenity, travel, friends, prayer...) will make us happier.

10. Is current religion serving its purpose?
Sometimes.

11. What happens to you after you die?
I think the experience differs depending on the needs/expectations of the individual. I'm pretty confident that our spirit separates from our physical body and based on accounts from near-death experiencers I think it is possible that we are guided by angels and participate in a life review. I believe we continue our education while in the spiritual realms, perhaps as a prisoner in purgatory or we may return to earth in another incarnation if necessary. I believe hell does exist and some souls go to hell because they have made a conscious decision to reject God. I also believe some people require no further lessons and enter into communion with God (heaven).

12. Describe heaven and how to get there.
Heaven is communion with God. It is experienced when we have developed a Christlike spirit.

13. What is the meaning of life?
To encounter and transcend adversity. To experience the physical realm, practice free will, embrace life and learn to love.

14. Describe God.
God is a paradox. God is the sentient life force that exists in all living things and watches over us at the same time. God is a part of and separate from; intrinsic and transcendent. God is the creator and the creation.

15. What is the greatest quality humans posses?
The capacity to love that which seems unloveable.

16. What is it that prevents people from living to their full potential?
Fear.

17. Non-verbally, by motion or gesture only, act out what you believe to be the current condition of the world.

18. What is your one wish for the world?
That everyone will feel safe and loved.

19. What is wisdom and how do we gain it?
Wisdom is the ability to see the big picture and learn from the past.

20. Are we all One?
We are, but we don't know it.

Celebrating Six Months of Sobriety

2009-08-14T11:27:00.008-03:00

I've struggled with addictions for about 15 years now. I've walked the path of the dead in search of new life. I told myself lies and believed them. Filling the void was a full-time job and peace came in those fleeting moments when I got the recipe just right. I dropped acid, ate shrooms, popped pills, huffed gas, snorted coke, smoked pot all day, every day and got loaded often. I went to detox the first time when I was 18 and have returned at least a half dozen times. I've been through rehab twice and stayed at a half-way house for women a few years ago. I slipped in and out of NA and AA for over a decade and sought a religious conversion by grasping the coattails of more enlightened friends. I was a sick puppy.

My addiction to pot was the hardest one to break and when I finally gave it up completely my attention turned to booze. Although I wasn't a daily drinker in the end I was spending more days drunk than sober in the run of a week. My alcoholism was masked by an appearance of functional living. I earned two college degrees and maintained employment. I didn't get in bar brawls or end up in the drunk tank, paid my bills and kept a tidy appearance and home. During my pregnancy I was able to swear off all addictive substances without a second thought. However, within a few months of the birth of my daughter I started the downward spiral once again. My husband and I were going through tough times and he initiated a separation that lasted several months. During that time I came face to face with the ugliness of my addiction and promised myself I was ready to change. I celebrated my first day sober on Valentine's Day of this year.

I've been attending a women's AA group that has helped immensely but my biggest source of support has come from my husband and daughter. More than anyone my daughter gives me the motivation and my husband gives me the strength to stay sober. I don't think I could do it without both of them. Before my daughter was born I had the strength in my husband but not enough motivation. After her birth, when my husband left, I had the motivation but not enough strength. Together they give me life. I know that there will come a time when I will have enough respect for my recovery and faith in my Higher Power to endure without their influence but in the early days their presence was/is critical. I'm very blessed and excited to be celebrating six months of sobriety today!

Was it Really Him?

2009-07-07T10:40:00.016-03:00

Sometimes I get frustrated with God. I don't have too much to be angry about in my personal life these days but I see news reports of missing and exploited children, violence, ignorance and oppression that leave me longing for some earth-shattering miracles. C'mon God show us something! Intellectually I understand the process but emotionally I feel abandoned. Does He really protect us and intervene on our behalf or is He more like a coach standing on the sidelines reprimanding, motivating and consoling?

About six or seven years ago I found myself in Montreal with little money, no place to stay and nothing to eat. I consider myself somewhat adventurous so I put on a brave face and hopped on the subway to do some exploring. I had been trying all day to get in contact with a friend who lived in the city and decided that if I didn't get a hold of her by midnight I would find my way to a train or bus station where there were bright lights and sleepy travelers.

It was getting late and I didn't know it but my subway was making the final trip of the evening -to a sketchy area on the outskirts of the city. I sat, oblivious to what was happening when a guy at the other end of the car moved up and sat across from me. He said something like, "Um, I know this may sound really weird and I've never done this before but I was wondering if you'd like to go see a movie or something..." He looked shy and embarrassed. Maybe it was his honest face or my general loneliness but I said I would join him for a cup of coffee. We got off at the next stop and chatted as we walked to the cafe. He was a student, had grown up in Montreal and his parents were from South Korea. I trusted him. I told him my predicament and he offered me a place to stay for the night. His apartment had loads of spiritual books, a friendly cat and comfy couch. In the morning he let me use his shower, cooked up a delicious Korean dish and helped me get in touch with my friend. He continually repeated how strange it was that he had come up to talk to me -that in all his life he had never approached a stranger on the subway. We spoke about how fortunate I was not to end up at the end of the line that night.

Now I don't know if that was coincidence or divine intervention but it was damn lucky -that's for sure. When I start to feel alone in the world I meditate on that experience and wonder how many times I was heading for the end of the line and didn't even know it!

Religious Bridges and Spritual Destinations

2009-06-05T10:28:00.012-03:00

Author and lecturer Joan Borysenko says that religions are bridges to spirituality. That got me thinking about how some people are very religious but somehow lacking in spirit yet others are extremely spiritual despite having no religious affiliations. I imagine the journey into spirit to be like two land masses separated by a wide and wild river. On this side is the world we know, full of joy and sorrow, buildings and televisions, careers and relationships. On the other side is a garden of hope, faith and charity. There is peace and comfort, light and wisdom, strength and courage in the garden of spirituality. My vision is a little sentimental perhaps but these are the gifts that keep us committed to spiritual growth.

I see many bridges connecting the two land masses -each with its own unique design and style. There are crowds of people moving across each bridge. Some decide to turn around and choose another bridge, others choose to forget the bridges altogether and swim for it instead. There are those who get stuck on the bridges thinking they have already reached their destination. Some shout at the people on other bridges and in the water telling them they have chosen the wrong way. Onlookers from land shake their heads in pity because they can't even see a garden and consider the journey foolish. Those who have crossed over encourage us with gentle coaxing giving us strength to go on.

Did you know there are dozens of major world religions, thousands of minor religions and over 500 Christian sects in the world today? Isn't that awe inspiring? I like to think of myself as swimming in the water, but following the direction of a very large, respected and well-known bridge. Being in the water is definitely dangerous by times because it is much easier to get caught up in a current or swim off-course but God is my lighthouse and He keeps beckoning me home to the garden. I'm certain He is happy to see me making the journey regardless of the particular path I have chosen.

Want to Drop a Line?

2009-05-24T14:02:00.004-03:00

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Welcome

2009-05-23T13:48:00.187-03:00

I'm Michelle and I'm an alcoholic.

This blog is a place for me to share my journey as a woman in recovery. I grew up in a violent, alcoholic home and developed my own addictions in my teens. Booze and pot were my drugs of choice, but I've taken all kinds of drugs. I got clean and sober on February 14th, 2009. I write with the hope that others might see themselves in my story.

I am in my 30s, married, and have two young children. I like visiting galleries and museums, chatting with friends over a cup of tea, working the 12 steps of AA, talk radio, documentaries, reading and writing. I also have strong interests in personal growth, health, nutrition, spiritual studies and photography.

Please feel free to introduce yourself! You can drop a comment on this post or email me via the "Contact Me" link. I'd love to hear your feedback and offer/receive support and encouragement. After all, that's what this program is all about -one alcoholic reaching out to another.

Thanks for visiting,
Michelle